Why God would not receive tenure at any university

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning the wrong subject.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them about him. And he taught them, saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are you who thirst for justice.

Blessed are you who are persecuted.

Blessed are you who suffer ...

And Simon said, "Do we have to write this down?"

And Philip said, "Will this be on the test?"

And John said, "Would you repeat that?"

And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff."

And Matthew said, "Huh?"

And Thomas said, "What's this got to do with real life?"

And Paul said, "Will the exam be open book?"

Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where's the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?"

Judas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately later and said, "I had an appointment with the Romans, so I had to miss your lecture. Did we do anything important today?"

. . . And Jesus wept.

The Best and Worst Comments Received

Taken From the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

• "This class was a religious experience for me. I had to take it all on faith."
• "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
• "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
• "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
• "Textbook is confusing. Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
• "Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."
• "In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
• "Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
• "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
• "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
• "In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
• "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."
• "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
• "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
• "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing -It's a great stress reliever."
• "He is one of the best teachers I have had. He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
• "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
• "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
• "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
• "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."
• "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
• "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
• "TA steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
• "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
• "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."
• "What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper'."

OBSERVER: Chicago school

Financial Times; Apr 22, 2003

The University of Chicago's Nobel-winning economists usually hog the limelight, but their colleagues in the law school appear to be muscling in. And their cutting edge work in "toilet inequities" and "parking and property" is certain to enrich the fields.

Mary Ann Case, for one, has been probing the area of women's toilets. And she tells the most recent issue of Chicago's alumni magazine that "men are almost always offered more excreting opportunities than women".

Her solution is to install airline-like toilets that could be completely enclosed and used by anyone. There is one glitch: her research shows that women prefer same-sex facilities.

Outside the ivory toilet, as it were, Richard Epstein has been examining the physical world, specifically: how long can someone who has cleared snow from a parking space claim it?

His research draws upon the Chicago tradition of "dibs", which allows a person who shovelled out a parking space to retain rights to it until the street is cleared or the snow melts. The broader legal issue, he says, is how long something can be held before it reverts to common ownership. Is this the new Chicago School?

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

One of my MBA students at the Krannert school was apparently impressed by my lecture and posted this on Facebook.