Yesterday, All My Finals Seemed so Far Away

Sung, if possible, to the tune "Yesterday"

 

Yesterday,

all my finals seemed so far away.

Then I realized that they start today.

Oh, how I long for yesterday.

 

Suddenly,

I no longer have the grade of "B".

Now it's looking closer to a "C".

Oh, finals came so suddenly.

 

I can cram, although I can blow

it off today.

Come tomorrow morn, I'll get on

my knees and pray...

 

Yesterday,

This was such an easy tune to play.

Now my chops are all but gone away,

My jury's a half-hour away.

 

What I

have to show

I don't know,

the prof won't say.

I'll spell

something wrong, or I'll bomb..

.... there goes my "A"...

 

Yesterday,

thought of graduating come this May.

Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,

oh, how I long for Yesterday.

 

Take your test, take your test

Sung to the tune of "Beauty and the Beast's" "Be our guest"

 

Abbreviation glossary:

           P:        Professors

           S1, S2, S3:  Distinct students

           S:           Students in unison

           TA:          Teaching assistant

 

P: Ma chere tuition-payers, it is with deepest sadism and greatest power

   that we welcome you this morning.  And now, we require you to get tense,

   let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents - your final!

 

P:  Take your test

    Take your test

    Are you nervous?  Are you stressed?

    Winter's just around the corner now

    We love this time the best

    Physics laws

    English lit.

    Why, you'll never want to quit

    What's the formula for vinyl?

    Don't you love to take a final!

    Classic film

    Modern dance

    All the kings and queens of France

    You'll be writing with such energy and zest

    Go on and take some blue books

    You'll at least need two books

    Take your test

    Fake your test

    Take your test

 

    World War I

    World War II

    You'll be chugging Mountain Dew

    As you scram back home to cram

    And stay awake the whole night through

    If you're here

    And you're scared

    Then you're prob'ly unprepared

    Don't tell me about your party

    You should study, Mr. Smarty

    Distant stars

    Shakespeare's plays

    Let us run you through our maze

 

S1:  Did you ever get the feeling we're oppressed?

 

P:  Don't question our regime

    How could you dare blaspheme?

    Now take your test

    (You've B.S.ed,

    But you'd rather say you've "guessed")

    Take your test

    Take your test

    Take your test

 

    Life's all smiles and smirking

    For a student who's not working

    It's a gas without a class to load him down

    Ah, those good old days way back in grade school

    Suddenly he wants his cap and gown

    While he's been busy learning

    Curiosity's been burning

    What's it like to have a minute to himself?

    He won't know 'til after graduation

    They came here so lazy

    Now we're driving them all crazy!

 

S1:  It's a test!

S2:  It's a test

S3:  This can't be!  I still need rest!

 

P:  You want sleep, you little creep?

    That's very good.  That's quite a jest

    Ancient worlds

    Complex math

    And we won't withhold our wrath

    Yes, we'll give you quite a beating

    If we catch you while you're cheating

    Chinese art

    Civil E.

    Anesthesiology

 

S3:  Help me please!  I'm having cardiac arrest!

S1:  Somebody check his heart!

 

P:  Then label every part!

    It's on your test

S:  That's our test?

P:  That's your test

S:  What a pest!

 

TA:  Here's a test

     There's a test

     I'm so very much depressed

     Have to grade each one of these in just a day

     And I'm hard-pressed!

     Biochem

     Japanese

     Why our "quarters" come in threes

     While the deadline still is looming

     I'll keep grading

     I'll keep fuming

 

P:  Course by course

    One by one

    'Til you shout, "This isn't fun!"

    Then we'll laugh at every place that you digressed

    We've done our best to pester

    See you next semester!

    Take your test

    Take your test

    Take your test

    Now, take your test

 

 

A rabbit is taking a break from writing his graduate thesis. He has just come out of his hutch for a stroll and a breath of fresh air, when he is caught by a fox.

 

"Ha, you're my lunch now," the fox says.

 

"Oh no, you can't eat me now! I've almost finished my thesis. It's a very important work that must be completed for the good of all animals," the rabbit exclaims.

 

The fox, confident and nonchalant, asks, "What is this great work of yours about?"

 

"It's entitled 'How rabbits eat foxes and wolves', and it's almost complete," replies the rabbit.

 

"Rabbits eating foxes?!" The fox almost loses the rabbit in his laughter.

 

"You only need to read it to be convinced. Come down to my hutch and see for yourself, if you don't agree, you can eat me then," says the rabbit.

 

Not wanting to lose a chance for a good laugh the fox agrees and enters the rabbit's hutch. The fox never comes out. A few days later, the rabbit comes out again to stretch his legs, only to be instantly caught by a wolf. The rabbit again pleads for his life along the same lines as before, and again the wolf is so amused, he follows the rabbit into the hutch. The wolf never sees the light of day again.

 

Several days pass. The rabbit finally finishes his thesis on how rabbits kill foxes and wolves. He invites his friends over so they can celebrate, read his thesis etc. When his friends enter the rabbit's hutch they see the normal graduate student abode - messy, with papers everywhere. But in one corner of the room is a pile of fox bones, and in another is a pile of wolf bones. In between the two piles is a lion.

 

The moral of the story:  The title of your thesis is not important; it's who your thesis advisor is that is important.