Science Lingo Explained

 

• "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN" ... I didn't look up the original reference.
• "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT" ... This data is practically meaningless.
• "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS" ... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
• "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" ... The other results didn't make any sense.
• "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" ...This is the prettiest graph.
• "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT" ... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
• "THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES" ... He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.
• "IN MY EXPERIENCE" ... Once.
• "IN CASE AFTER CASE" ... Twice.
• "IN A SERIES OF CASES" ... Thrice.
• "IT IS BELIEVED THAT" ... I think.
• "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT" ... A couple of other guys think so too.
• "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ... Wrong.
• "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS" ... Rumour has it.
•  "A STATISTICALLY ORIENTATED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS" ... A wild guess.
• "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF THE OBTAINABLE DATA" ... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
• "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS" ... I don't understand it.
• "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES" ... They don't understand it either.
• "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" ... Mr. Boltz did the work and Ms. Schaeffer explained to me what it meant.
• "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY" ... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
• "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD" ... I quit!

How Grades are Assigned

 

Here is a list of the ways professors here at an American University (Name is classified) grade their final exams:

 

DEPT OF STATISTICS:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

 

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

 

DEPT OF HISTORY:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

 

DEPT OF RELIGION:

Grade is determined by God.

 

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:

What is a grade?

 

LAW SCHOOL:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

 

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

Grades are variable.

 

DEPT OF LOGIC:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

 

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:

Random number generator determines grade.

 

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and would be sharp and flat respectively).

 

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:

Everybody gets an A.

To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

____________________University

 

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

 

______1.    The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.

 

______2.    The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.

 

______3.    This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get  into:

            ______Law School

            ______Medical School          ______Graduate School

            ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority

            ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

 

______4.    I have to get an A in this course to balance my F in    _______________.

 

______5.    I'll lose my scholarship.

 

______6.    I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy  of your exam.

 

______7.    I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used  did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

 

______8.    I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

 

______9.    I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

 

_____10.    If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

 

_____11.    You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

 

_____12.    I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

 

_____13.    I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

 

_____14.    The lectures were:

            ______too detailed to pick out important points.

            ______not explained in sufficient detail.

            ______too boring.

            ______all jokes and not enough material.

            ______all of the above.

 

_____15.    This course was:

            ______too early, I was not awake.

            ______at lunchtime, I was hungry.

            ______too late, I was tired.

 

_____16.    My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

 

_____17.    Other___________________________________________________

Top Ten Lies Finance Professors Tell Their Students

 

10. Don't sweat that poor grade on your midterm.

    I am certain that you'll do much better on the final.

 

9.  Come by my office any time. I'm always available.

 

8.  You can make a killing as a stockbroker.

 

7.  Don't worry if you can't remember that formula.

    The main thing on the test is that you grasp the intuition.

 

6.  It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.

 

5.  If you come to all the lectures, you'll do just fine.

 

4.  My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

 

3.  What's your problem?  Any moron can understand bond pricing models.

 

2.  Don't worry about that final grade.  No one will care anyway.

 

1.  Of course, I make a lot investing.

    I only teach so I can help young people.

 

Keep your priorities straight

 

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

 

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. The students laughed. They agreed it was.

 

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

 

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

 

But then ... a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor had agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. And the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar, making the jar truly full.

 

The moral of this tale is: No matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

How to argue ... and win every time

 

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

 

Drink liquor

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

 

Make things up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836..07 before the mean gross poverty level."

 

NOTE: Always make up exact figures

 

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

 

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

 

•     Let me put it this way
•     In terms of
•     Vis-a-vis
•     Per se
•     As it were
•     Qua
•     So to speak

 

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

 

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

 

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

 

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

 

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

 

• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?

 

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

 

Here's how to use your comebacks:

 

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

 

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

 

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Writing a good essay

 

An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students:

 

The bird I am supposed to write about is the Owl. The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat.

I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow.

The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk.

The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with.

Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true.

The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country.

The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal.

The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass.

The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow.